Thursday, January 29, 2009

Letting Go

The other night as I was going to bed, I couldn't sleep. I began to do what I call "night dreaming", you know like day dreaming but it happens at night. Anyway, I was laying there and as I had done on numerous occassions over the last 14 years I've been married, I began to night dream. In the past I usually only "night dreamed" about one day being pregnant, telling everyone that we were, going through the delivery, seeing my beautifual baby, etc. I had not done this in quite some time (probaby due to the fact that I rarely can't sleep since the twins have been home!) Anyway, my mind started to go that direction, when all the subben, I realized that I didn't really "feel like it" anymore. I think it was my soul's way of telling my brain, that there is no need for this type of "night dreaming" anymore. I've been triple blessed with beautiful babies, that even though they are not born of my body, but born of my heart. I truly felt like I could "let go" of that dream. It was a great moment of clarity and satisfaction. The next day however, I had a different moment. I began to feel nauseated continually for two days. While talking to my sister-in-law about it, she said "you sure you aren't pregnant?" I hadn't even had that thought run through my mind, so it took me off guard. I began to wonder, could I? I mean in some ways that would be cruel and exciting at the same time. I had just come to the certainity that I was the mother of a spirited 5 yr old boy and very busy 10 month old twins. How could I even imagine having another baby so close in age to the twins? Don't get me wrong, the other half of me was ecstatic thinking we finally conceived! I just didn't know how to put my thoughts into words are how to tell my hubby. Well, it just so happened that I had my annual exam scheduled for yesterday, so I knew that I needed to see if what I was thinking was right. Well, I'm glad to say, "I'm not pregnant!" I was actually relieved to say the least. I haven't entirely given up that if God sees fit for me to have a biological child, then he will allow it. I just knew right now wasn't the "time" and I'm thankful that he has given me the right frame of mind to "LET GO"!


  1. I can completely relate to the imagining the what-ifs of pregancy. But when it came to reality, I did get the main experiences I wanted and those were in parenting moments. I was fortunate enough to be there when my best friend delivered her daughter. I felt in some way it was an experience to check off--and wasn't too sad about missing out on the labor and uncomfy pregnancy.

  2. love your blog! i had to re-read the NOT pregnant several times... i kept reading I AM PREGNANT. :-) i am glad you have that peace of mind now. maybe one day it will happen... but for now peace of mind is a LOT.

  3. I am glad you felt at peace with your circumstances - you are blessed with such cutie pie kids! :)